They say the doll is beautiful
when it stands just right.
when it stands just right.
They say this like it is kindness.
Like a compliment placed carefully
on a shelf beside it.
Like a compliment placed carefully
on a shelf beside it.
But look closer.
Look at the workshop where the doll is made.
The room smells like dust and glue
and the iron tang of metal tools.
and the iron tang of metal tools.
The doll did not arrive like this.
Once
it had loose limbs
soft seams
its own small balance in the world.
it had loose limbs
soft seams
its own small balance in the world.
It could sit crooked.
Tilt its head at odd angles.
Stare too long at the way light moved
across the floor.
Tilt its head at odd angles.
Stare too long at the way light moved
across the floor.
They said that was wrong.
So the work began.
Not with cruelty
no, never cruelty.
no, never cruelty.
With help.
With concern.
With the gentle insistence
that if the doll would just hold still
they could make it
better.
that if the doll would just hold still
they could make it
better.
You would hold still too
if they gathered around you
with those needles.
if they gathered around you
with those needles.
Not sewing needles.
No.
These are long steel things,
thick as knitting spikes,
cold as winter fence wire.
thick as knitting spikes,
cold as winter fence wire.
They push them through cloth
through stuffing
through the quiet place
where a voice should live.
through stuffing
through the quiet place
where a voice should live.
Pull the thread tight.
Tighter.
“See?” they say.
“Now the doll stands straight.”
And they lift it
and press its feet
into a wooden frame
that clamps the ankles.
and press its feet
into a wooden frame
that clamps the ankles.
A display stand.
So it won’t sway.
So it won’t rock.
So it won’t move in those strange small ways
that make the watchers uncomfortable.
So it won’t rock.
So it won’t move in those strange small ways
that make the watchers uncomfortable.
You would hate the frame too.
Your knees locked.
Your shoulders pinned
with careful little stitches
that pull your posture upright.
with careful little stitches
that pull your posture upright.
The doll does not scream.
It cannot.
They are still working
on the voice box.
on the voice box.
They slice the back seam open
with a bright silver blade
and reach inside.
with a bright silver blade
and reach inside.
“Just a small improvement,” they say.
“Just something that helps it
communicate.”
communicate.”
A plastic cylinder
with only a handful of phrases.
with only a handful of phrases.
I’m fine.
Thank you.
I understand.
I will try harder.
They stitch the back closed
with thick looping thread
pulled so tight
the fabric puckers.
with thick looping thread
pulled so tight
the fabric puckers.
The doll is placed on a table.
Stripped bare.
Arms out.
Legs spread slightly apart
so the seam lines can be examined.
so the seam lines can be examined.
The audience gathers.
People circle the table
holding up little outfits.
holding up little outfits.
Normal clothes.
Acceptable clothes.
Not too bright.
Not too strange.
Not too soft.
Not too loud.
Not too strange.
Not too soft.
Not too loud.
The doll does not choose.
The doll never chooses.
Fabric brushes its skin
like hands that do not ask permission.
like hands that do not ask permission.
A shirt forced over its head.
Buttons fastened.
Collar straightened.
They step back.
Tilt the head a little.
Push the shoulders down.
Pull the chin up.
Perfect.
Now it looks right.
Now it looks like a person
instead of a problem.
instead of a problem.
And when the doll trembles
against the frame
when the seams strain
when the voice box catches
and repeats the same phrase again and again
against the frame
when the seams strain
when the voice box catches
and repeats the same phrase again and again
they sigh.
They say the doll should be grateful.
After all
they worked so hard
to fix it.
they worked so hard
to fix it.
But you are looking now.
You can see the stitches.
The thick rope of thread
pulling the doll smaller
than it was meant to be.
pulling the doll smaller
than it was meant to be.
You can see the needles
still sitting on the workbench.
still sitting on the workbench.
You can see the frame
that keeps it standing.
that keeps it standing.
So tell me
if they held you down
and called it kindness
while they remade your body
piece by careful piece
and called it kindness
while they remade your body
piece by careful piece
if they asked you
to be less alive
so they could feel
more comfortable
to be less alive
so they could feel
more comfortable
if they turned you into a doll
and called it love
and called it love
wouldn’t you be angry too?
